A simple calendar would do.

Fair warning… this post should probably be filed in the “Too Much Information” folder. I don’t normally write or talk about very personal stuff, but in this case I have to rant. If you’re sensitive about “female issues,” you might want to stop reading now.

Apparently when you turn 40, your menstrual cycle goes all flooey. I had heard rumors to that effect and didn’t quite believe it, but it’s true.

Or at least it was true in my case.

So for the first time in many, many years I have found myself needing to keep track of such things. Just so I can know exactly how flooey things are.

I tried using a calendar, both on the computer and the old school paper version, but often forget to write it down.

Or I’ll think, “Oh I’ll remember because it’s Flag Day,” and then when I get around to actually recording it I’ll say, “Wait, was it Memorial Day, Flag Day or the 4th of July?”

With other health related tracking, I’ve had a lot of luck using an app. It’s more fun and I always have my phone with me. I have a weight loss app, a walking app, a blood pressure app and I use them all the time.

So I looked for a period tracker app.

They have them, lots of them. But every single one is pink and lavender and infused with flowers, hearts, butterflies and smiley faces.

One of the apps, the one I ended up downloading, actually says on its home page “flowers will appear above during your fertile cycle.”

Flowers for fertility? How cliché can you get?

Do the makers of such apps think that every single woman likes flowers and hearts? Does it not occur to them that some women — professional women, non-sentimental women, real women — might just want a simple calendar style tracker that doesn’t look like a Disney princess vomited all over the phone?

I realize that most women use this type of app when they are trying to get pregnant so the designers probably think they are being cute. But even if I could get past the stereotype that all wannabe moms have a fetish for the color pink, there are other uses for the app.

Women like me, for example, who need to track their rapid descent into old age. At the very least they should offer us a version in black, maybe decorated with cobwebs.

Anything would be better than those damn flowers.

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