Call now and get a second one free.

This week I indulged in not one, but two Lifetime movies.

Maybe indulged isn’t the right word. Lifetime movies aren’t like good chocolate or buying something you know you can’t afford but really, really want.

They’re more like a rubbernecking an accident on the side of the road. You don’t want to look, but you just can’t help yourself.

This was “brides gone bad” week, or some such. The movies were all about men who fell for crazy women, but didn’t figure it out until after they were married. And by then it was too late.

Just so you have the complete picture, the first one I watched was called “The Wife He Met Online.”

The interesting thing about the Lifetime Movie network isn’t the movies, though. It’s the commercials. They don’t run regular old commercials for Tide detergent or Puff Plus tissues. They don’t even show that many ads for Monistat 7 or Tampax, like you might think.

Most of the ads are short infomercials for almost every “as seen on tv” product invented.

Let’s start with Pajama Jeans. These are pants that feel like pajamas but look like jeans.

I’ve seen these miracle pants in a store. Ocean State Job Lots, I think. Or maybe they were knockoff Pajama Jeans. (Can you have “as seen on tv” knockoffs?)

I touched them in the store. They were made out of the kind of material that makes you feel like you have to wash your hand after touching it. No way they are as comfortable as pajamas.

I can’t testify to the “looks like jeans” part of their claim. They were the color of jeans, but I didn’t try them on.

Then there’s Trendy Top.

In truth this isn’t a top at all, but a band of fabric you wear around your waist that makes it look like you are wearing two shirts when you’re only wearing one.

The ad emphasizes that Trendy Top is not only hip, but helps you avoid showing off your butt crack or stomach when your shirt is too short.

They kind of remind me of dickeys. Do you remember those? They’re just collars you wear under sweaters or jackets to look like you’re wearing a shirt too.

My first Ken doll wore a dickey under his brown and white checked jacket.

He was a very cool Ken doll.

Lifetime also had ads for the Ahh Bra, a bra that feels like a sports bra but makes it look like you’re wearing a push up underwire from Victoria Secret.

Why are so many of these ads about deceiving people into thinking you’re wearing one thing when you’re really wearing another?

Moving away from apparel, we have the InStyler Rotating Hair Iron.

I’m not really sure what this thing is. It looks like a combination of a curling iron, a straightening iron and a brush.

It can make your hair straight, curly, flip out at the bottom, flip in at the bottom or stand up straight.

And it comes if fashionable teenage girl colors like “Pretty and Pink” and “Sugar Plum.”

I admit there was one product I was tempted to order, Furniture Fix.

You just stick them under your sofa cushions and your couch is like new! No more sagging!

And if I order now, I get two sets! (I only have to pay extra shipping and handling.)

It’s not that my couch is that saggy, but the ad showed a 400 pound Sumo wrestler and a 600 pound Sumo wrestler sitting on a sofa fortified by Furniture Fix and the couch holds them up.

I’d hate to have 1000 pounds of Sumo come to my house and not be prepared. I better call now.


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