One Thousand Words on A Non-Resolutionist’s Resolutions

Everyone is writing about New Year’s resolutions right now. I’m a non-resolutionist normally but I do have some things I’d like to change, so I thought jump on the bandwagon.

Resolution #1: I will stand at the sink while brushing my teeth and I will not leave toothpaste rings on my towel.

I wander when I brush my teeth. It started because just standing there staring at yourself in the mirror is so damn boring. So I started walking out of the bathroom when I brushed.

In our old apartment, the only bathroom was right off the kitchen. It’s not very sanitary to roam around the kitchen brushing your teeth, so I tried to contain my wanderlust.

But now that I have my own floor and my own bathroom, I can’t control it. I walk whenever I brush.

The plus side is that I brush longer because I don’t get bored. The down side is that it’s kind of gross.

I also get toothpaste all over my mouth when I brush my teeth and when I wipe it off it leaves ugly, crusty white marks on the towel.

I don’t know if this problem is caused by using too much toothpaste, brushing too vigorously or because I can’t spit some of the toothpaste out because I’m wandering around.

Either way, it’s got to stop.

Resolution #2: I will learn how to blow dry my hair properly.

I don’t know how to blow dry my hair. All the other women in the world were born knowing how to do this, but I just didn’t get that gene.

I can’t seem to make the air go where I want it to go. I’ve burned my forehead trying.

And I certainly can’t blow dry and use a brush at the same time. I’ve gotten a brush stuck in my hair before.

Most of the time I just tip over and aim the dryer randomly at my head, hoping that it works out. Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn’t.

But as of today I have bangs. For the first time since I was six. And I’m guessing that the tip over and aim method will have a disastrous effect on the new bangs.

I’m picturing them standing up straight or sticking out all over instead of lying on my forehead as they should.

My hairdresser showed me how to blow dry my hair properly and I’m going to practice every day until I get it right.

My bangs may look funny for a while, but someday a year from now or so, they’ll be perfect and I’ll be an expert with the blow dryer.

Resolution #3: I will buy a nightgown I wouldn’t be embarrassed to die in.

In the movies, women always sleep in beautiful nightgowns or cute pajamas. They never wear old t-shirts or sweatpants.

Me? I sleep in a nightgown that I bought at Target probably six years ago.

It’s falling apart.

A while back, I had to turn the long sleeves into short sleeves because there were big holes in both elbows. Big enough that I could put my arm through them.

But now there are more holes, and they are in places I can’t cut off or re-stitch.

Every time I put it on, I think about how embarrassed I’d be if I died in the night, and they found me dead in my bed wearing this old, crappy nightgown.

Resolution #4: I will eat peanut butter without spilling it on myself.

I hate to even mention this next one because after the toothpaste confession, everyone is going to think that I am a complete slob.

Once or twice a week, I have an English muffin or toast with peanut butter for breakfast.

I didn’t eat peanut butter as a kid. I just didn’t like it. But because of that, I think I missed learning how to eat peanut butter neatly.

No matter how careful I am, I always end up with peanut butter on my hands, under my fingernails and usually on my clothes somewhere too.

This happens for two reasons, besides my lack of training.

One is that I’m putting the peanut butter on hot toast or a hot English muffin. So it melts and becomes exponentially messier.

Melty peanut butter is yummy, but it’s much more likely to drip.

Also, I probably use too much peanut butter. Now that I like it, I like a lot of it. What’s the point of having peanut butter if you’re just going to use a little bit. I want to taste it.

But more peanut butter means more potential mess.

Have you noticed that it’s impossible to get peanut butter off clothing? You can’t sponge it off. It’s there until you put it in the washing machine.

And once that peanut butter smell is on you, it’s on you all day.

Resolution #5: I will wear silver and gold at the same time.

All the fashion “experts” tell you shouldn’t be too matchy matchy (that’s the term they use) with your clothes or your accessories.

Personally, I have always enjoyed matching. I match my pants to my shoes. I match my socks to each other. I match my necklaces and earrings.

And I only wear all silver or all gold, never both.

I don’t think I’ll be able to stop matching pants, shoes and socks. Even for the sake of being more fashionable.

But I could hold off on the matching jewelry and I might even be able to mix my metals, if I really try.

In fact, I received a gift certificate to a jewelry store for Christmas. I was there today getting my watch battery replaced and I noticed that they have bracelets that use both silver and gold together.

If I were to buy that bracelet, it would give me an excuse to wear both metals because it would go with the bracelet. Or is that matching again?

Hey, resolutions are kind of fun. Maybe I’ll become a resolutionist after all.

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4 thoughts on “One Thousand Words on A Non-Resolutionist’s Resolutions

  1. If you figure out how to use the blow dryer, please enlighten me next. I’m with you. I have no idea how to use one without creating an eye-catchingly frizzy disaster.

    But don’t make me give up the 40 year old vintage tee and sweatpants I’ll be sleeping in tonight!

  2. Pingback: One Thousand Words to Update You On My Declarations | One Thousand Words Project

  3. Pingback: Less Than One Thousand Words – Which Do You Want First? | One Thousand Words Project

  4. Pingback: 2012 Non-Resolutions: The Final Accounting. | One Thousand Words Project

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