One Thousand Words on Why Being an Old Maid is a Valid Life Choice

People assume that I’m single because no one is interested in me.

It makes sense, I guess. That stereotype of the forty-something spinster is drilled into our brains. The frumpy lady with the glasses and the cardigan sweater, with lots of cats.

Ok, so I have glasses, but I wear my contacts whenever I leave the house. And I like cardigan sweaters, but only cute ones. Or argyle. I love argyle. And yes, I have cats. So what? A lot of people have cats. They make good pets.

To prove that I am not single because that’s my only option, I thought I’d play a little “Dating Game” in my post tonight, or “The Bachelorette” if you like your references a little more current.

The following four “bachelors” are real people. And they have all asked me out repeatedly in the past couple of years.

We’ll call bachelor #1 Butch. Butch is the most persistent of the contestants. He stops by my office at least once a week, just to check in while he waits for his bus and to ask me out one more time.

Butch is so named because he wears a denim jacket with the sleeves ripped off all the time, summer and winter, rain or shine. Sometimes he sports a leather motorcycle hat, the kind they guy in The Village People wears. I don’t think that’s exactly the look he’s going for though.

An ex-Marine officer (Or ex-Army officer depending on which day you ask) Butch is currently unemployed.

Butch did have a job at the local college, but he said that he got fired because of computers.

He tells me that you have to be very careful, because if you happen to go out for a drink after work, someone might see you and put it on “EBay” and the boss might read it and say you have a “problem” and you need to get “help.” (The quotes are Butch’s, not mine.)

The good thing about Butch is that you can usually smell the alcohol and hear the chains on his jacket jingling before you see him, so he’s never a surprise.

Bachelor #2 is actually quite sweet. Let’s call him Tommy.

Tommy is a musician. He played percussion in the Army Band (I must attract military men) and he even loaned me two of his Army Band CDs so I could listen to him play.

I see Tommy everyday when I walk to the post office to get the mail. He calls me “honeybun” and always has a smile. Unfortunately, he’s also smoking. I don’t really like a guy who smokes.

I think Tommy enjoys the womanly form, because whenever I glance over my shoulder, he seems to be watching my ass as I walk away. Maybe that’s why he calls me honeybun!

Today, Tommy wasn’t in his usually spot when I went outside. But as I was walking along the sidewalk, he raced up to me on his bright shiny new motorized wheelchair. He told me that is was his Ferrari and offered to take me for a ride.

It’s not every day a girl gets offered a ride on a Ferrari by a drummer, but I declined. Tommy is in his eighties, and I was afraid the excitement would be too much for him.

Bachelor #3 is named Bill and he is a talker. He’ll tell anyone who will listen all about his mother, his father, his sisters, his house. Anything that enters his head comes out his mouth. And he likes to stand very close to you when he tells you his stories.

Several times Bill has invited me to go on trips with him… skiing in Europe, Florida, Arizona. But they would probably be very long trips since Bill only travels by public bus and I just don’t have that much vacation time.

Bill came into my office a while back very upset because he had been banned from the local pub. Unlike, Butch, Bill wasn’t accused of having a “problem” but a couple of the ladies at the bar had complained that he was bothering them. Maybe he was trying to take them to Europe, or was just telling them about his mother. I’m not sure. Either way, Bill was asked to leave and not come back.

What troubled Bill wasn’t that the ladies thought he was bothering them, but that he had a gift certificate for the pub and now wouldn’t be able to use it.

Since I visit the pub on occasion, I doubt a relationship with Bill would work out. But maybe he’ll give me his gift certificate.

Our last bachelor is Al. Unlike our previous three contestants, Al has a steady job. He works for the company that removes dirty uniforms and rugs from businesses and replaces them with clean ones.

Al has never said exactly what he does at his job, but I know he doesn’t make the actual deliveries because, like bachelors #1 and #3, Al only takes the bus.

It took Al a while to notice me. I think that’s because he is only attracted to women in power. He used to ask the Director of the Recreation Department out regularly. She finally had to tell him that she had a boyfriend. Then I was promoted and suddenly Al had eyes for me.

Al likes comedy. He tells me every time he sees me how he went to see the Smothers Brothers and spent extra to meet them after the show. He says that they were very funny and he shook their hands, but he had to stand in line.

The only problem with Al is that he seems to have a lot of gas. And he’s not shy about releasing it while standing in our small office.

Well, you’ve met the bachelors so I guess this spot where they play suspenseful music while I ponder my choices.

And I choose… to stay single. Thank you for playing our game, bachelors, but I’m sticking with my cats.

4 thoughts on “One Thousand Words on Why Being an Old Maid is a Valid Life Choice

  1. Pingback: One Thousand Words on My “Choose Your Own Adventure” Commute | One Thousand Words Project

  2. Pingback: One Thousand Words on Office Space | One Thousand Words Project

  3. Pingback: One Thousand Words on Office Space – One Thousand Words Project | The Office Space Search Site

  4. Pingback: One Thousand Words on One Thousand Words, A Year Later | One Thousand Words Project

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