One Thousand Words on “I Wish I Hadn’t Said That”

I would never dream of saying any of this… well, maybe I’d dream, but I would never actually say it.


“Good morning, Palace Theater. How may I help you?”

“Is this the Palace Theater?”

Didn’t I just say it was the Palace Theater? “Yes it is, sir. What can I do for you today?”

“I want to buy tickets.”

Am I supposed to guess which show? “Absolutely. To which show?”

“The symphony, of course.”

Well, we do a lot more here than just the symphony. “Great. Which day would you like to attend?”

“Tell me what the schedule is.”

Why in hell are you calling when you don’t even know what day you want to come? “We have a performance every night from July fifteenth through August second.”

“I want to go on a Saturday.”

And you couldn’t have told me that before?
“That would be either July eighteenth, July twenty-fifth or August first.”

“What do you have for tickets on July twenty-fifth?”

“Do you know where you would like to sit or how much you’d like to spend?”

“How much are the tickets?”

Again with the not being prepared! “We have tickets for $35, $65 and $95 depending on where you would like to sit.”

“Those prices have gone up.”

“Actually, they are the same as they were last year.”

“I go to the symphony every year and I know those prices are higher than they were last year.”

Yes, because you know better than I do even though I’m the one that works here every day and you attend once a year.
“Where do you like to sit when you come?”

“In the center about halfway back.”

“Ok. Those are the $95 seats. How many are you looking for?”

“I know I didn’t pay $95 last year. Where are the $65 tickets?”

You paid $95 if you sat halfway back in the center.
“We have seats in the center four rows from the back for $65 each.”

“Those are too far back. You can’t hear anything under the balcony.”

Well, actually the acoustics are great under there. “I could also do the third row for the same price.”

“Is that too close?”

“Well some people prefer to be a little further back, but those are very nice seats. It’s really a personal preference.”

“Those are too close. I’ll take the seats halfway back.”

Then why did you bother asking me in the first place?
“Ok, how many seats are you looking for?”

“I think there’s going to be three of us, unless Charlie wants to come. Mildred! Mildred! Am I supposed to buy a ticket for Charlie? Hold on, I’m checking.”

Yes, I have nothing better to do than to sit here and wait for you to decide how many tickets you want. “No problem.”

“Charlie isn’t coming, but Howard is. He needs an aisle seat. Do you have an aisle seat in the row?”

“If you’ll hold on one second I’ll go back and check.”

“Can’t you just tell me if there is an aisle seat?”

No, because believe it or not I haven’t memorized the seat availability for every single show! “It will just take a second for me to check the chart. Yes, I can give you an aisle seat. So will that be three or four tickets.”

“I told you Howard is coming. That’s four tickets.”

I’m so sorry that I didn’t know if Howard was the third or fourth person. “All right. Four tickets it is. Could I please get your name?”

“Raymond Schaltzthalmunpz.”

“Could you please spell your last name for me?”

“We should all ready be in the computer.”

Well, I could look it up if you’d tell me how to spell your name. It’s not exactly Smith, you know. “I’m sure you are. I’ll just need the spelling so I can look it up.”

“S-c-h-a-l-t-z-t-h-a-l-m-u-n-p-z. The P is silent.”

Well, I should have known that. “Thank you. Is your mailing address PO Box 34 in East Overshoe, Vermont?

“That’s our Vermont address. We’re in Florida right now.”

“Would you like the tickets mailed to Florida or Vermont?”

“Vermont. We’ll be there next week.”

Then why did I need to know you were in Florida? “Great. There is a single three dollar service charge, so your total is $383.”

“That’s too much. Three times $95 is $285. How come it’s $383?”

You ordered four tickets. Remember Mr. ‘Howard Needs an Aisle?’
“Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you said you wanted four tickets.”

“Oh yeah. Howard is coming too. But that should only be $380. What’s the extra three dollars for?”

Oh yeah, Howard! “There’s a single three dollar service charge on the entire order.”

“Three dollars! That’s ridiculous. Why do you charge so much for a service charge?”

Really? You‘re complaining about a measly three dollars on a $380 order?! “It’s just a standard service charge. You don’t have to pay it if you buy your tickets in person.”

“I all ready told you I’m in Florida. I guess I’ll just have to pay it. You should tell whoever runs that place that three dollars is too much.”

I run this place. I just got stuck taking your stupid order because the box office person is in the bathroom. “I’ll be sure to pass that on. I’ll just need your credit card number now.”

“5425… It’s a MasterCard… 5425 6789 1011 1213.”

“And the expiration date?”

“Wait a minute. I can’t read it. Mildred! What is the expiration date on this thing? October 2016.”

Take your time! “Thank you. Ok, you are all set with four tickets to the symphony on July 25th at 8 pm. Your total is $383 and we’ll put those tickets in the mail to you today.”

“You have the Vermont address? That’s where you’ll mail them?

That’s what you told me to do two minutes ago. “Yes, to the PO Box in East Overshoe.”

“And what was that total again?”

Oh, for crying out loud.
“$383. Thank you, sir. Have a nice day.”

“Harrumph. Mildred! They charge three dollars extra…” Click

You’re welcome!

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